So, this is the part of the day where I try to clean up my messes. Emphasis on the word "try".

I guess in the end you're right. I am full of bull crap.

For a while yeah, honest to God (even though you all know I'm atheist I hope this expression will still mean something) honest to God there was a time in my life that I cared more about everyone else then myself. Think about it - think about the crap I put up with because I'd rather deal then watch others get hurt.

But over the last month (months? - time flies sometimes, ya know) Everything was taken away from me, or messed up beyond recognition. My friends all think I'm crazy over a guy or want me to get struck by a bus. For some their motives are known, for others, well I'm still clueless. I lost my boyfriend, the one person who could keep me sane. You can say he hurt me and yeah, I'd agree with you there. But he never hurt me because he wanted me to get hurt. He did it because he's surrounded by a cloud of bad decisions and bad luck.

In the long, extensive time following the loss of all these wonderful things, I spent most of my time sitting in my room wishing I could die. But we also all know that I don't have the balls to actually kill myself. Nope. I just did the most pathetic stupid thing ever. I started cutting again. Believe me, I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty. Or to make anyone feel guilty. I'm just saying it so you can understand.

It used to be about everyone else. But then when that plan left me with nothing it was time to rethink things. So maybe for the first time in a very long time I wanted something and I was willing to fight for it, Crucify me. Maybe I was tired of crying every night, or of feeling like a complete wreck every time I went out in public. I just want something to be not messed up in my life. And that one thing I wanted was also the one thing you wanted.

I do feel a little bad for this. I have no idea if you said no to him because you were thinking of me or for some other reason. But I'm glad you did. We don't have to talk to each other anymore if you don't want to. But we could at least try to talk some stuff out, you know, to ease up the tension a bit. It's hard for everyone else when were together when the awkward tension in the air is so thick you could use it as butter for your toast.

Your most likely - scratch that - most certainly not going to read this. And that's fine. I can't make choices for you. I just wanted you to catch a little glimpse of what happened to me through all of this drama and whatever else went down.

Also - listen to this song. [link] It came on my ipod the other day and I exploded in tears. I haven't been able to get it out of my head since.